Oct 31, 2018

Dealing With Your Inner Critic

by Aspen, Herbal Authoress

Dropping the Ball
You would not believe the things I have screwed up lately. For example, I was supposed to reach out to Shae, our Service and Social Media Goddess, two weeks ago to have her write this special message. Did I? Nope. I messed up. I also opened my freezer and realized I didn't have enough breastmilk to send to my daycare, paid two weeks salary to the wrong employee at my store, and forgot to get cat food. And that was just yesterday!
 As a single mom of an infant who is still not sleeping through the night, I am constantly overloaded and overwhelmed. The sheer number of tabs open on my computer (so I don't forget anything) has me stressed. I can show up to work for eight hours like a whirling dervish, then feel like I am further behind than when I started, and all I can think about is the things I didn't get to! It is a constant battle between choosing to go to bed at a decent hour or cleaning and setting myself up for success tomorrow. 
I used to be really good at forgiving myself for not being perfect. I understood that I was only human, that it was ok to not expect to get everything right all the time, and that the little things didn't matter anyway, people do. But it is harder now. Now life is more complicated, and I have years of memories my former spouse telling me how incompetent and stupid I was if they didn't have a clean towel after a shower, or if the battery on my phone died. I find that negativity eating away at me, and while I would never, ever judge someone for making a simple mistake like spilling yogurt over half the fridge (this morning), if I do it I will emotionally beat myself up (especially after I lost the crucial binky strap - where the hell did it go? He had it all night!?). And it seems like the more I stress about my mistakes, the more mistakes I make. 
So what is there to learn from this? I wish I had some answers, some simple three-step process for simplifying your life, having a perfect home, and being as organized as a mommy blogger. But I don't think there is an easy answer. It takes time, and effort, and not giving up on yourself. It takes recognizing where your negative energy is coming from, analyzing why you feel the way you do. It takes being ok with life being messy, and forgiving yourself for having limits. It also takes learning how to say no and standing up for yourself and your boundaries so you don't make the problem worse.
It is going to take some time to learn self-love again, to erase the negative voice in my head telling me I am not worthy of love if there are dishes in the sink when I go to bed. No one (that matters, anyway) thinks any less of me for not having everything together all the time. And if they did, would it matter? No. We are all just doing the best we can. And that should be enough for yourself - it's enough for everyone else. 
I promise you will get Shae next time!