Recently I have had some health issues that have been pretty scary for me. Mostly because of the fear of the unknown. Mix that with a brain that overthinks obsessively and always goes to worse case scenario and I have been a little ball of stress and worry. I have a strong aversion to doctors, and I won't go unless I have to, so you know it’s pretty serious when I actually do go. I ended up going to two different doctors with zero answers, adding to my frustration.
As I have been in the midsts of the unknown, crippling pain and the potential possibilities, it has got me thinking. Worst case scenario tells me it’s something as bad as stomach cancer (though I am sure that is farthest from the actual truth) and I have had to really contemplate my mortality. When the pain in the worst and I start thinking about these possibilities, I start thinking about all the things I haven’t done with my life that I have wanted to, and put off. All the truth I haven’t spoke. All the I love you’s and I forgive you’s, I haven’t said. All the places I haven’t seen and the experiences I haven’t felt. I tend to hold myself back a lot. I play it safe more often than not. Always hanging onto the what if’s. One quote that has popped up sporadically throughout my life has been “IN THE END… We only regret the chances we didn’t take, the relationships we were afraid to have,and the decisions we waited too long to make.” ― Lewis Carroll.
If I didn’t already feel that to my bones before, I sure do now. Life is so precious, and sometimes it takes a tragedy or strong fear to remember that. Hopefully this time I listen more intently and really let that soak in, because life really can be changed or ended in the blink of an eye and I sure would hate to have so many regrets in the end.
I don’t know what that means for me yet. Once I am feeling back to myself, I really hope that I can remember the way that I am feeling now so that I can cliff dive back into life and really live.