When I moved into my new house, I had what amounted to a compulsion to keep it clean. I was extremely stressed about my family’s judgment if they came to a messy house, which made zero sense because that is not something they are judgmental about. Yet, when cleaning my home, my thoughts inevitably turned to either how I would look like a failure if it were messy or look competent and in control if it were clean.
It all clicked into place a few years later when I was listening to a TikTok by KC Davis, AKA @domesticblisters. I was, of course, cleaning. She talked about perfectionism, and I realized with a bolt of lightning that I was a perfectionist; specifically, I struggled with Socially-Prescribed Perfectionism.
There are three types of perfectionism:
- Self-oriented perfectionism refers to the individual's drive for perfection and high standards. People with self-oriented perfectionism set high standards for themselves and strive for excellence in everything they do. They are highly motivated and disciplined but can also be overly self-critical and anxious about their performance.
- Other-oriented perfectionism refers to the individual's expectations of perfection from others, such as friends, family, or colleagues. People with other-oriented perfectionism have high expectations OF others and may be critical of them when they do not meet their expectations. They may also have difficulty accepting constructive criticism themselves.
- Socially-prescribed perfectionism refers to the pressure to be perfect from external sources, such as society, culture, or authority figures. People with socially prescribed perfectionism may feel that they are expected to be perfect to gain approval or avoid criticism from others. They may also think their worth is tied to their ability to be perfect, leading to anxiety and self-doubt.
Some people may be perfectionistic in only one area, such as work or academics, while others may exhibit perfectionistic tendencies everywhere. Perfectionists often set unrealistic expectations for themselves or others. In addition, they may also be highly self-critical, constantly finding fault in their work and efforts, and may experience feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness when they fail. As a result, perfectionists may experience high levels of stress, anxiety, and depression. They may feel overwhelmed by their workload and the pressure they put on themselves to achieve perfection. This can lead to burnout and physical health problems.
Since I identified where that pressure to keep a clean home was coming from, I have been able to work on my inner voice and create healthier patterns and thought processes. I’ve learned to let go of control, reorient my focus, and accept myself and my human imperfections. I’ve grown more confident and less apologetic and learned to care less about what others think of me.
I won’t lie - I still find great peace in a clean home. But I’m not hard on myself for not always keeping it clean, and now when I tidy, I do it for myself and for that meditative, peaceful feeling order gives me. But I no longer feel the need to prove to my parents that I am a capable adult.
Healing from perfectionism can be a challenging process, but it is possible. Some strategies may help:
- Recognize and challenge your perfectionistic thoughts: Start by noticing the negative self-talk that fuels your perfectionism. When you think, "I have to do this perfectly," challenge that thought by asking yourself, "Is this true? Is it even possible to be perfect?" This can help you to develop a more balanced and realistic perspective.
- Embrace imperfection: Practice doing things imperfectly, even if it initially feels uncomfortable. Start small and gradually work your way up. This can help you to build tolerance for mistakes and recognize that imperfection is a natural part of the human experience.
- Set realistic goals: Instead of setting unattainable standards for yourself, set realistic and achievable goals. This can help you to focus on progress rather than perfection.
- Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with the kindness and understanding you would offer a friend. Remember that everyone makes mistakes and that your level of achievement does not determine your worth.
- Seek support: Consider talking to a therapist or counselor who can help you to develop coping strategies and challenge negative thought patterns. Connecting with others who have struggled with perfectionism may also be helpful.
Remember that healing from perfectionism is a process, and making lasting changes may take time and effort. Be patient with yourself and celebrate the progress you make along the way.
